The Buckeye Boys Won Everything but the Game

The Best Losing Effort of the Year, Filed in Week 1

Welcome back to You Do You, now in its fourth season and a little trimmer than last year: twelve teams became ten over the off-season, which means fewer soft spots on the schedule and nowhere to hide. Christian McAutoPick returns as defending champion, a title that carries exactly as much authority as the name suggests.

But the story of Week 1 has nothing to do with the champ. It belongs to The Buckeye Boys, who put up 187.75 points, the second-highest total in the league this week, and lost. Their opponent, Diddy Bandits, scored 193.3. Margin: 5.55 points, or roughly one long catch in a league where every reception is worth a full point.

Consider the cruelty. The Buckeye Boys' total would have beaten four of the week's five winners. Their all-play record, meaning what their mark would be if they had played every team in the league this week, is 8-1. Only one lineup in the whole league scored more, and the schedule sent them straight into it. Diddy Bandits, for their part, went a perfect 9-0 against the field and did it while leaving 26.8 points sitting on the bench, which is a bit like winning the lottery and finding a second ticket in your coat.

The Buckeye Boys responded the way you'd want: they hit the waiver wire, the weekly pool of unclaimed players, and came away with Terry McLaurin and Dalton Schultz. Nothing says "we're fine" like adding a starting receiver after an 8-1 week.

Meanwhile, the Champ Won With the Eighth-Best Score

Now for the defending champion. Christian McAutoPick beat Bake it till you make it 113.25 to 99.9, a margin of 13.35, and did so with the eighth-highest score of the week out of ten teams. Three teams that lost this week scored more than the champion did in winning. Their all-play record is 2-7. If you replayed this exact weekend against nine different opponents, the champ wins twice.

Here is the detail that will keep me up at night, though: Christian McAutoPick's bench scored zero points. Not "left zero points on the bench," which would be praise. Zero total. Either the bench is a ghost town or the roster is built entirely of starters and hope. The front office was busy afterward, claiming Bryce Young, dropping Matthew Stafford, and adding Matthew Golden and the San Francisco defense, so somebody noticed.

A win is a win. The standings do not have a column for style. But this is what "lucky" looks like on a spreadsheet, and the champ should send Bake it till you make it a thank-you note. About that.

Bake It Till You Bench It

Bake it till you make it lost by 13.35 and left 39.45 points on the bench, the most in the league. The right lineup would have scored 139.35, which beats the champion comfortably. The signature decision: starting Kyle Pitts at tight end, who produced a zero, while George Kittle contributed 3.2 from the bench. Neither number will be framed, but one of them is a win and the other is Week 1's most expensive nap.

They were not alone in the zero club. Hender's Game started Josh Jacobs for nothing while Michael Pittman posted 8.8 on the bench, and left 16.95 total on the pine. It didn't matter, because Hender's Game beat Mud Dogs by 52.7, the widest margin of the week. Mud Dogs finished 0-9 in all-play, meaning every other lineup in the league would have beaten them. There is nowhere to go but up, which is the kindest thing available to say.

And spare a moment for All TDs, no Sacks, who lost to Super Lamario World by 2.8 points with 27.7 sitting on the bench. Their optimal lineup would have scored 188.2. Two teams this week would have won with the right lineup, and both of them will be thinking about it until Thursday.

Power Rankings, Week 1

Rankings are opinion, and one week is a rumor, not a trend. Still:

• 1. Diddy Bandits: high score, a perfect 9-0 all-play, and points to spare on the bench. Nothing to nitpick, which is its own kind of suspicious.
• 2. The Buckeye Boys: 8-1 against the field and the only 0-1 team that scares anyone. Added McLaurin. Not a fluke.
• 3. Super Lamario World: 7-2 all-play and a win by 2.8 that counts exactly as much as a blowout. Just 3.8 bench points, so the starters are doing the work.
• 4. All TDs, no Sacks: 6-3 all-play with a loss that came down to lineup choices. Fix the bench, fix the record.
• 5. Hender's Game: won by 52.7 but sits at 5-4 all-play, which tells you the opponent did some of the work. Started a zero and still cruised.
• 6. ComebackChris: 4-5 all-play, won by 25.2, and hit the wire three times. Active, not yet dominant.
• 7. Fightin Honkies: 3-6 all-play, 22.3 on the bench in a loss. The gap to the top half is real but not permanent.
• 8. Christian McAutoPick: 1-0, 2-7 all-play, zero bench points. The ring buys a little grace, not a lot.
• 9. Bake it till you make it: 1-8 all-play, but an optimal 139.35 says the roster is fine and the decisions are not.
• 10. Mud Dogs: 0-9 all-play. The floor is the floor, and the waiver wire was quiet.

Week 2: Circle One Matchup

Super Lamario World meets ComebackChris in the only game between 1-0 teams. The Buckeye Boys, fresh off the best loss in memory, draw Hender's Game. Diddy Bandits get Bake it till you make it, which is either a mismatch or the week Kittle finally starts. Mud Dogs get All TDs, no Sacks, who are owed a break by the universe, and Christian McAutoPick faces Fightin Honkies with a brand-new quarterback and a bench that would like to be introduced. See you next week.